You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
