I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just pee around me
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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