I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
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