got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
