I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
