I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Is Oprah even human
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
