Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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