party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
