I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
