I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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