Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We got so high we made milksteak
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
