My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
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I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
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I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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