People with herpes should wear stickers.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
