I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
