Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
