You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
And then he peed in my hair
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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