Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
