u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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