I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
How does it feel to date your dad?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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