I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
