Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
