$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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