3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
