Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
