I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
