Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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