i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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