My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
