can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
