I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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