Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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