We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
