i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
