you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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