I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
it's like heaven, but drunker
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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