well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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