Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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