All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
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She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
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You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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