Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
