I just threw up on my dentist
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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