Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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