it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize