just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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