i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
