I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
