i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My vagina just recognized that song.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
