My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
