Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
