Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
