I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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