Ambien. No doubt about it.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
