you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i believe in u and ur pee
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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