i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Randomize
