No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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