Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
