And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
