It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
